This post is something different for me to write, but a topic that has been on my mind for the last few days. Being a blogger and an influencer, I have the awesome blessing of attending many different events for the launch of different brands; clothing, makeup, hair, etc. As you would imagine, plus size clothing brands are my most attended events, mainly because that’s my audience. However there a lot of moments where I’m invited to attend events that are not catered to the plus community or I know I will probably the only plus size girl and 1 of a few black faces. I’ve become all to accustomed to being tall and plus size and existing in small spaces. I must say that is a hell of mind space to be in when you’re out trying to enjoy yourself. I attended an event a couple days ago, and the space in which this event took place was snug as a bug in a rug. It was very difficult to move around and see the product or just breath. The space was already the size of a my pinky nail, then you cram a bunch of bloggers, influencers, writers or editors in this space and we’re all trying to get the right Instagram photo of the right boomerang shot. So being able to move around was just difficult.
For the hour or so I was there, I found myself feeling very out of place. It was a feeling I was quite familiar with. I found myself excessively apologizing every time I passed someone. I wanted to put them at ease, that if my large body bumps into them I truly didn’t mean for that to happen. All the burden is on me the tall fat girl in the room. Many times when I attend events where I’m thrice as visible as most of the women in the room; being 6’0 tall plus wearing heels, being one of the few plus size women in the room, and one of the few black women in the room, there is literally no blending. There will be the stares from those that can’t see around me. Despite the courtesy smile I give when I make that awkward eye contact with some chick I don’t know, I know there is or will be a sideeye coming. Ya’ll know that look people give when they’re thinking “how are you even here?”. I’ve gotten that look many times. Many eyes rolls, people stepping in front of me like my fat 6’0 self isn’t already occupying space, hair flips in “my face”, and my personal favorite the “oh this is a private event” from the girls working the door and I have to swiftly let them I’m on the list. (Let’s not even talk about that mess.)
This is not to say that I have insecurities about myself when going to non plus size events. Because the truth is, I’ve worked hard to get to the point where I’m solidly comfortable in who I am as a woman. Not just a plus size blogger, but a woman first and foreman. However, I would be lying if I didn’t have moments of doubt while moving around events where the 90% of the attendees are the literal opposite of me. There are moments when I realize how much space I take up when I walk into a room or event. I’m acutely aware of stature when I’m next to someone who is 1/2 my size.
Truth be told, in fashion the only trait I have that is widely accepted is being tall. Being a woman of color, there’s a sprinkle of us unless it’s a black designer or brands. And being plus size…..well we know how that goes. I’m a tall black plus size girl and those are 3 things about me that I CANNOT change about myself even if I wanted to. When I start to feel my anxiety about my surrounds start to creep up, I have to talk myself down. I have calm my nerves so I don’t reach for the free alcohol or retreat to a corner and look completely anti-social.
Being a blogger or an influencer doesn’t rid me of having insecurities or having moments of self doubt. I’m more aware of the moments when they happen while I’m out and about existing in small spaces.
My romper is from Astra Signature from last summer I purchased it from Amazon. I wrote about it on the blog here.