In my mind I am a good friend. In my mind I show up for my friends, in my mind I am a good time. But that doesn’t mean that is how others view me.
I’ve tossed back & forth about posting this. Truth…I often feel very alone. Some days I’m cool with it and others, I spend my time questioning what is wrong with me and how can I be better. For a long time I’ve thrived on being in the mix with people. I don’t NEED to be around people to function but often times I find myself on the sideline of my friendships. I’m grateful to have been raised before social media was even a thing, because my connection with people has always been better offline.
I move throughout my day to day alone despite being the quintessential New Yorker. Headphones in, metro card ready & always somewhere to go. So many people around me & I feel alone. The low feeling you get when you’re picked last for kickball. Everyone in my personal circle is thriving, hanging out, doing things together. And me? On my couch. I band aid those feels by saying to myself “it’s cool, I don’t have money to go out anyway” which often times is true. I use to say to myself, I can’t wait to have my own apartment so I can have friends over and entertain. I’ve been in my place for almost a year and haven’t had a single get together, for fear that people won’t come.
I force myself to work & plan things so I’m not focused on why I’m left out or why I rarely get a response when I reach out for quality time with people. I’m of the mindset, I’ll reach out twice maybe even 3 times, but it doesn’t take a lot for me to get the hint. To be honest, part of me is scared to ask, how can I be better. I recognize that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m not always chipper and sometimes my energy is just not right. But how do I rectify that if I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong . Maybe I need a good dose of reality and a coming to Jesus with the people I care about, to learn, see & understand what they see. I don’t press people asking why I’m left out because I understand folks need to take space for their own reasons, and I must respect that.
In my mind I am a good friend. In my mind I show up for my friends, in my mind I am a good time. But that doesn’t mean that is how others view me. Maybe they think I’m selfish, maybe they think I suck the energy out the room, maybe they feel like I take & don’t give. One or more of these things could be true or none at all. One of the hardest things for me has always been losing friends. I hate growing a part, especially when we were close at one point. I struggle with letting go. At that point I’m left wondering why, what happened, what did I do and can I fix it. It kills me that I’m still dealing with this at 28 years old.
The crazy thing is, I know how petty this sounds and this is completely childish. I’m also not that presumptuous to think that people are just sitting at home waiting for me to hit them up. I will never count out the fact that my friends have their own issues be it personal or career. This is also why I’ve gone so long without exposing how I feel. I spend so much time pushing myself to inspire, inspirational people are suppose to have it together. Inspirational people are suppose to have friends, friends that want them around. How can I inspire if I’m struggling?!
I promise I have no plans on taking my life and I’m not looking to be coddled. This isn’t a thirst trap or “joy feel sorry for me type of deal” I just felt the need to get this off my chest. I don’t know who out there needs to hear my testimony. The idea of going to therapy to talk this out with a professional has crossed my mind a thousand times, but ya girl has ZERO insurance. For now I write my feelings in one of my many notebooks.
Let’s talk, are you feeling alone?