Learning to be okay with not Knowing10:09 AM
This post comes from multiple streams of inspiration. As so many of my readers or friends of my readers are graduating, and moving on to the next chapter in their lives...I thought this post is a perfect time to be a bit open with you all. So here goes...
I was sitting in a meeting with the VP of marketing for one of my favorite brands just chatting & catching up, and she asked me about how things were going...you know outside of the blog. She knew from the last time we spoke that I was struggling career wise. While I'm in a better place than I was a year ago, I am FAR from where I want to be or where I see myself. And as I was talking to her, I realized that I really & truly have no earthly clue or idea of what I'm suppose to being doing or should be doing with my life.
I think to openly admit that I am sincerely lost in what I want to do it life is a bit disheartening & rather disappointing because sometimes I feel like I'm moving like tumbleweed...which ever way the wind blows, that's where I go. And I really don't want to be that way.
At 25 I feel like I should be doing soooooo much more with my career and I don't even know where to start. Of course it's even harder to see my friends & peers walk into their careers. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for everyone's success. But I would be lying if I said it did it make me stop & think "what is it that I'm not doing right" Or "what and I doing wrong" So for the sake of my sanity I try not to dwell on all that. And many days I don't think about it. I just go about my day; blogging, writing, working and in those moments when my mind is occupied, I'm fine. I can function. But there are days and moments when I'm remind that the light bill is due, my cell phone bill is due, Sallie Mae is calling about my loans, I need to upgrade my blog, I have buy certain items to complete a look for the blog etc. & my pay check just doesn't cover all of that.
Some days I just want to shut down, because I'm constantly reminded by certain people ( I won't say their name because they might read this) that I should be doing this or I should be doing that...or I should be working here or working there because they know a friend's kid is doing well and we're the same age. I feel like I'm suppose to have the answer because everyone seems to have the answer. You know because they're coming out of college with jobs, they're going to grad school and getting their Master's or J.D. or some other advanced degree and I'm just here with my blog, my laptop & my camera.
I stop and think everyday, maybe I should just do what's expected, take something with a pay check and live my life. But that's not where my heart is. Then it hits me, I don't have the luxury of following my heart. Bills come first. I'm a firm believer in all things happen for a reason. I believe God does things to you and for you, for a plethora of reasons. He'll take you out of situations that he knows aren't good for you in the long run. He moves you in directions that will help you build the proper foundation for something awesome that will come when you are ready.
When I was working full time at a major media company, I was making a decent amount of money for a recent college grad. The company I was at, was very well known and could possibly open a million doors with the right experience. But I was utterly miserable at work. Actually I think miserable is an understatement. When I lost that job, of course it was a major blow. Of course I thought damn, there goes my pay check...how am I gonna pay my bills. I cried about it for a weekend, but by that Monday I went back on my grind to finding a job in the same field. But I started to see that jobs in which I knew I was more than qualified for, I just wasn't getting them. It made me think, like clearly God is telling me this is not the place for you. And I've been spiraling ever since.
I'll be honest, my keyboard is wet with tears after writing this post. I'm trying my best to remain positive. In my prayers I continue to ask for guidance, for understanding and I continue to be thankful for the blessings in front of me. I have more than I had last year. The blog is doing better than it was last year, my relationship is in an even better place than it was last year.
This is a process for me and everyday I just have to learn to stay strong. So many times some of my readers think I don't know what they're going through. Some tend to think I live in a different world because I blog, go to fun events, and get free stuff. But I live a very real life, that is not always glamorous. I wanted to share this because I'm sure someone else out there is going through the same thing. If that is you, please know that you are not alone.
Let me know if you've ever felt like this. See you in my next post.